The Process of Forgiveness

I’ve spent some time lately reflecting on forgiveness. As a Christ follower, my head knows I should forgive others. But my heart has been searching for just how to do that.

I have found it’s essential to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. The verb forgive is defined as “to give up resentment of” or “to grant relief from payment of.” When we put our faith in Jesus, we receive grace that covers our sins. Every last one of them. His work on the cross relieves us from the wages of sin, which is death (Romans 6:23). 

But following Jesus also means that we are called to let go of resentment of others when they have sinned against us (Matthew 6:14-15). Science has proven that holding onto resentment is physically, emotionally and spiritually destructive to our bodies and minds. And Jesus tells us to forgive because we are forgiven. That is the why.

Forgiving is not forgetting though. While our Father is divinely able to forget our sins (Isaiah 43:25), He does not expect us to do so. He created us, and He knows our natures. Recalling pain is a method of protection for us from future harm — like a child who learns from experience not to touch a hot stove. In our relationships, forgiving is not the same as excusing. It is not the same as trusting until the trust is earned again. 

And forgiveness is not an on-off switch. While it is a willful choice, I am learning how to forgive is a process that Jesus yearns for me to bring to Him.

I begin by acknowledging the pain. We are allowed to feel angry and brokenhearted when others have wronged us. David was on the run from Saul, who was trying to kill him, when he wrote, “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” (Psalm 13:2). 

I can safely bring my pain to the Lord and trust Him with the outcome. He knows what happened. He knows the depth of my sorrow. He knows my actions and intentions just like He knows the actions and intentions of those who hurt me. He heard the conversations that I didn’t hear and foresaw the circumstances that I didn’t see. And where justice is needed, He will act. “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19). But I must trust His justice, His timing, and His purposes.

We know this truth from Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his own brothers. Over a period of several years and in another land, God placed Joseph in a position of authority, and his brothers came to him to purchase grain during a famine. Joseph recognized God’s sovereignty and how He worked for good what Joseph’s repentant brothers originally intended for evil. And Joseph forgave them (Genesis 45). Granted, often it’s not easy to see how God can possibly use the pain inflicted by others. 

And sometimes our anger burns against Him. Back to Psalm 13, David writes at the beginning, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” But he ends with, “I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.” God can handle our anger, our questions and our doubts; He just wants us to come to Him — even when we don’t feel like it and we don’t see how any good can possibly come from the offense. He will bind up our wounds and help us to heal.

The process of forgiveness also entails stepping outside of myself and acting against my nature. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says, “I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” I don’t know about you, my friend, but I find this command very difficult. Yet when I have taken this step of obedience, my heart changes toward my offender and the resentment I was harboring dissipates. I am freed — from the anger, the bitterness, and the pain. Sometimes those feelings can return, and my Savior reminds me to forgive again and again. Not just seven times but 70 times seven (Matthew 18:22).

Forgiveness is the point of God’s manifested presence in human history. It is our hope for eternity and our key to experiencing true love. It is how I can join with you and dance in freedom, like David in the song of forgiveness that is Psalm 32: “Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord. Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart (10-11)!”

Let’s pray. 

Dear Jesus, I ask you to free me from any resentment to which I still cling. Help me to forgive others just as you have forgiven me. Teach me how as you did David, Joseph, Esau and so many others, and comfort my broken heart as you give me the words to pray over my enemies. Help me to reconcile relationships that you would have me continue and wisdom to put boundaries around those where trust has not yet be restored. Grant me the faith to trust you in the process of forgiveness. Amen.